alostwanderer

Dear you,

One question: why do you insist on making life as difficult as is humanly possible?
It's almost as if you assess life and wonder to yourself  "self, what can I do to make everything around me exponentially more difficult than it has to be?" And then you insist on taking that route to the point of absurdity. What purpose does it serve to literally do something for no reason? It's remarkable and ridiculous all at the same time. I have no other comment than this, because I already know that was the last thing that I could have possibly said while still being nice.

Love,
Me

 I feel like NO ONE can hear me scream ... no one.

So here’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life lately …
Basically my romantic situation is such that I have an unofficial relationship with this boy (that we will call) John. John and I started out messing around late last spring. Then I went back home for the summer and last fall (we’re both in college and I live really far away and our college town is his home town) and he and I spoke very little. I was doing my thing and he was doing his …
But before we even get back to school in January that just passed, he started calling me multiple times a day. So then when I get back down here he pretty much calls me non-stop until we get to hang out and after some hanging out, things get physical … so I thought that it was just going to go back to a messing around place (which would have been whatever for me) ... but no, no, it’s spiraling into something much more confusing.
We are still not in any definable situation but he is pretty much intent on spending as much time over here as he can and he does not get why I am unable to spend that much time with him or anybody else for that matter. And when he spends the night he’s really spending the evening, the night and a part of the day because he generally doesn’t wake up before noon … like right now, he’s still in bed asleep.
And things are going down a more intense physical road every day. For a while he has been trying to give oral and last night he was trying to give and receive oral and I just can’t bring myself to do either because I don’t quite know what we are yet and I need to know what we are and where this is going before I can engage in any of that. Like for real. And the other night he and I were naked, in bed and playing with each other and he like was fingering me but somewhere in the middle switched his fingers with his penis (as if I wouldn’t notice) and it got a little intense as I could feel him begining to enter me (mind you, I’m a virgin and have all intentions of staying that way) and so I stopped and pushed him off of me. And like he apologized and all that mess but it's like dude, even if for some reason he thought that I had decided to give in and have sex with him did he REALLY think that I was going to do that without a condom? I may be a virgin, but I am one by CHOICE and when I decide to have sex if it is before I get married you best believe that my man WILL be wearing a rubber. Kids, no thank you, not for a long, long time and some serious planning.
I don’t know what to really say about us anymore … he and I need to really, really talk because I like him a lot but … I can’t continue down the ambiguous road.

Ok, so I totally forgot that I had even created a livejournal page!
Wow, uhm, well, not a whole lot is going anyways. I should be in class, but I am not. To make a long story short, the classroom was just repainted, smells like paint and gave me a ridiculous headache last class so I decided that I am going to give it a few days to air out because I refuse to make myself sick for a boring class ANYWAY.
Uhm ... me and my current beau are having a teeny bit of a rough patch ... he wants to have sex, I don't and even though he claims to respect that I find myself defending my decision at least once or twice a week. And it's like, dude, get over it or get with another girl.

So I'm new here and I don't really know what to say ... I decided to start this journal as a way to vent about my frustrations with me, and my life. I often find myself unhappy and writing is one of my few means of catharsis and liberation. Anyways, if you drop by, leave me a comment, or add me as a friend. Hopefully update soon.